Loving an active addict can be one of the most heart-wrenching experiences to endure. You may firmly believe that if they could just stop using or reach out for help, they would get better. Watching someone slowly destroy themselves can be traumatic for everyone who loves them. It often feels like you are grieving for them before they are even gone. It’s hard to understand why they continue to use despite the immense pain and suffering it causes. You might feel as if they don’t love you because they can’t stay sober or that they don’t care about anyone. However, it is important to reassure yourself that their substance use is not a reflection of their feelings for you. They are likely grappling with guilt and shame.

Addiction is a disease that completely consumes an individual, much like a tornado that leaves destruction in its path. After enduring so much pain caused by this disease, it’s difficult to feel sympathy or empathy for the addict. There are only so many apologies without action that one person can tolerate. Promises become empty, and resentment festers like an open wound. Despite all the pain, it is hard to stop loving someone when you witness their struggles.

If you’ve come across this article while searching for ways to help your loved one, understand that the answer is complicated because you can’t control their substance use. You are powerless over their actions and attitudes. The only thing you can control is yourself, and while that may not be easy, there is something you can do: stop enabling them.

Enabling is something you have control over, as it is based on your actions and the boundaries you set for yourself. Every time you make excuses for them, fail to follow through with consequences (like kicking them out or threatening to break up with them), do things for them that they can do themselves, bail them out of trouble, give them money, keep their using a secret, or protect them from the consequences of their actions, you are enabling their behavior.

Ceasing these enabling behaviors won’t be easy because you love them, and it can feel like you are helping them by doing these things. Stopping enabling may hurt you as much as it hurts them, but ultimately, it is the best way to support your loved one. If you continue to shield them from the consequences of their actions, they will not experience what they need to to consider making a change. Only they can decide when to stop using, and that decision is less likely to happen if someone is always there to take care of them or to excuse their behavior.

Taking care of yourself is also essential when you have a loved one in active addiction. Setting boundaries will better protect both you and your mental health. For example, if they use drugs or alcohol in front of you, your boundary might be to leave or ask them to leave. If they request money, your boundary could be to say no or offer to buy groceries instead of giving them cash.

Addicts may react negatively when you stop enabling them. This shift might trigger panic in their disease, leading them to become confrontational. It is crucial to stay strong, not only for your sake but also for theirs. They may eventually thank you for remaining steadfast when they couldn’t.

Initially, enforcing these boundaries can be uncomfortable. Your relationship with them may become strained, and negative feelings may be directed at you. Just as you cannot control their substance use, you cannot control their emotions or reactions. This is not the time to be a people pleaser. Recovery may take a long time, or they may never seek help, but that is not your responsibility. You are only accountable for your attitudes and actions.

Remember to give yourself some grace during this difficult time. It’s important to prioritize self-care and perhaps seek support for yourself as well, such as through Al-Anon or therapy. This disease is not only toxic for the addict; it also affects everyone around them. You are not alone, and there are resources available for you just as there are for the addict.